Monday, May 20, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
Last night was the first night since I was 4 (15 years ago) that I watched the whole ARCC dance recital without being in a single number. I love dance with all my soul, but I thought my first year of college would be easier not having to worry about it. Now I have come to see that it probably wouldn't have made a difference academically because I am a lazy pile when it comes to that stuff and didn't actually do all the extra stuff I was going to (like reading the textbook). While I was sitting next to my mom and watching all those dancers do what they do best, my legs and feet twitching to get up and move, I wanted to be on that stage. Another reason I didn't do it this year is because it's $30 per month, per class and I just don't have the money for even one class. I might look into the teaching assistant option, which lets you dance and get paid for it instead of paying. Sometimes the teaching assistants get to be in the recital and I just want to do it again so badly. Plus, since I wasn't in dance this year, I have gained 15 pounds, but that could also be because I eat whatever I damn well please. I'm trying to get rid of that. I saw dancers up there that I know, and I feel like I just missed out on a whole year of expression and fun. It made me kind of sad that I wasn't waiting to go backstage or counting the numbers until my performance. There were some dances that I really loved and they looked so fun and I know I would have been able to be in them if I hadn't taken this year off. I plan to try to find a way to be a part of it next year, because I don't just want to watch anymore.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
I'm kind of OCD about my books you could say.. I have (well I guess had) them all listed in the order in which I got them, which in turn was the order I was intending to read them. I have had this list for at least 2 years and it has been my solid ground since I made it. It may sound ridiculous to a lot of people, and I don't blame them, but this was really something I took pride in. It was all organized right there for me. I would never have to question what I was reading next because it was on the list. Well, this list happened to be on my computer and when I picked it up this morning (my computer was closed) it was just gone. I usually save it after I change anything on it so I closed the document and reopened it, praying that everything would still be in its place. This was indeed not the case. I have other lists in this document as well, but only the one most important to me is now gone. I am seriously at a loss; there was over 300 books on that list, but I can't really find it in myself to remake it. I have no idea what order they were in, and it would take a good whole day to remake it. So now I'm asking myself after all this time, 'What would it feel like to just... pick out a book?' I know this is a daily occurrence for most readers, they don't rely on a list to rule their bookish life, but I did. Now I am planning to do something I haven't done in years: just pick out a book at random. This is going to be so weird for me, but I think it will be a good change. Books are such a huge part of my life, so, in turn, so was this list. Now it's completely gone and I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone, but I think it will be good for me. Maybe I can actually be like a normal reader now.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Something that's really been bothering me lately is the fact that I keep forgetting what I'm saying. But this isn't just your normal forgetting, like you're in the middle of a conversation, something distracts you, and then you can't remember what you were going to say next. When I forget what I'm saying, it's in the middle of a sentence a lot of times. I will be doing perfectly well with my story and then right in the middle... nothing. It's like my brain just erased everything I was just saying. And it wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that people can remind me all they want about what was just happening, but I'm still at a complete loss for words. The words might even be right there in my head, but making my mouth say them is nearly impossible. It's really frustrating. I am currently on Zoloft and it has been working great for my anxiety and mood swings, but I started to notice this happening around the time I started taking it about a year ago. That, and I have started sweating like a PIG since I started taking it. I never used to sweat like that and I feel gross.. My doctor has recommended that I try a different medication, but that would mean that I would have to stop taking my current medication and I'm really scared to do that. A couple of instances have occurred where I was unable to take the Zoloft for a couple days because of issues at the pharmacy and timing on my part. During those couple days I started going through withdrawals, making me foggy and dizzy at first, then antsy and uncomfortable. After the first day, it can get so bad that I start to think it would just be easier to end everything. I have never seriously thought this way, because I could never do that to my family and friends, but I do think about how easy it would be. My doctor says this is not an uncommon thought in a lot of people, like if you're driving on the highway and you realize how easy it would be to just.. die. One small jerk of the wrist and your car is tumbling through the air with your lifeless form inside... I don't want to die, I promise I really don't, but I really hate my anxiety and the sensations it brings. I don't know how many people can relate, probably more than I expect, but it is horrible. And yeah, there are definitely worse things that could be happening to me. But the fact that anxiety IS a part of my life is so frustrating and awful that I feel like nobody understands. The medicine makes me feel like a real person, and for that I love it, but I don't like some of the negative effects it is having on me. And I'm really scared of what happens when I can't have it..
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
So, I'm really crazy when it comes to books. Like, I love the hell out of them. I have an entire library of books that I own. Anyway, something that really has been bothering me lately is that sometimes when I'm skimming a synopsis for a potential read, the editor has totally given away a huge detail that would have made an awesome, sometimes unexpected plot twist. But instead, it's already right there on the back of the book. It just really disappoints me because then I feel like there's no point in even trying to read it anymore since you will be, in no way, surprised. This has happened to me probably three times in the past couple of days, where the book's plot has just been laid out flat for you, giving you no room to plunge deeper into the story. The endings of synopses like this usually end in something lame like, "Will she find the courage to be herself???????", or, "Will she put her own needs aside for those who need her?????" Quite frankly, the last words are a lot of what sells me on a book. It will either intrigue the reader to look farther, or completely disgust them, causing them to fling the redundant work that someone claims to be an original story. Now, it could very well be that the author simply made a bad choice in a publisher, giving the job of writing the synopsis to some rookie editor who pretty much quotes the backs of every other chick lit out there, while their freshly printed college diploma dries on their kitchen counter. I just wish the back of the book that I take the time to pick up didn't disappoint me as much as it does lately by totally vanquishing any potential awesomeness that it might have had. I also think that this could possibly be a sue-able issue in some cases, because, if you didn't write that synopsis yourself and it was supposed to be a plot twist, then whoever decided to vomit out the gut of your story all over the back of your book deserves an ass-whooping.