Saturday, May 11, 2013

Forgetful Me...

Something that's really been bothering me lately is the fact that I keep forgetting what I'm saying. But this isn't just your normal forgetting, like you're in the middle of a conversation, something distracts you, and then you can't remember what you were going to say next. When I forget what I'm saying, it's in the middle of a sentence a lot of times. I will be doing perfectly well with my story and then right in the middle... nothing. It's like my brain just erased everything I was just saying. And it wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that people can remind me all they want about what was just happening, but I'm still at a complete loss for words. The words might even be right there in my head, but making my mouth say them is nearly impossible. It's really frustrating. I am currently on Zoloft and it has been working great for my anxiety and mood swings, but I started to notice this happening around the time I started taking it about a year ago. That, and I have started sweating like a PIG since I started taking it. I never used to sweat like that and I feel gross.. My doctor has recommended that I try a different medication, but that would mean that I would have to stop taking my current medication and I'm really scared to do that. A couple of instances have occurred where I was unable to take the Zoloft for a couple days because of issues at the pharmacy and timing on my part. During those couple days I started going through withdrawals, making me foggy and dizzy at first, then antsy and uncomfortable. After the first day, it can get so bad that I start to think it would just be easier to end everything. I have never seriously thought this way, because I could never do that to my family and friends, but I do think about how easy it would be. My doctor says this is not an uncommon thought in a lot of people, like if you're driving on the highway and you realize how easy it would be to just.. die. One small jerk of the wrist and your car is tumbling through the air with your lifeless form inside... I don't want to die, I promise I really don't, but I really hate my anxiety and the sensations it brings. I don't know how many people can relate, probably more than I expect, but it is horrible. And yeah, there are definitely worse things that could be happening to me. But the fact that anxiety IS a part of my life is so frustrating and awful that I feel like nobody understands. The medicine makes me feel like a real person, and for that I love it, but I don't like some of the negative effects it is having on me. And I'm really scared of what happens when I can't have it.. 

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